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This is just my little take on the world, it just feels so good to let loose with my ideas, thoughts and well-whatever! i appologise for poor spelling, still figuring out the spell check on this thing - all the views expressed below are my own!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Recipe for a perfect jummah khutbah in South Africa

Peace be upon you.

I have attended many Friday congregational prayers (Jummah salaah) and have noticed that there is a very common, easy-to-follow receipe that most of the mosques use that seems to be the right ettiquete of the Jummah salaah (in South Africa). I will attempt to highlight this pattern or receipe and hopefully we can all learn from this.

There are a few essential ingredients. Firstly, and most importantly, is the icon we need to be potraying. We will need an Indian man (as Indians have the highest levels of imaan) who has a long untidy beard, the longer the better (because as we all know, the beard is half a persons imaan and the longer it is, obviously the closser he is to Allah!). This mans' clothing must look extremely Arab (as in modern day Arabs), from the flowing kurta, to the fancy waistecoat right up to the turban (preferrably green). He must at all times have his trousers hemmed at least a few centimeters above his ankle (because as we know, wearing your trousers above your ankle is the other half of ones imaan), preferrably with white socks under or, as ones' knowledge increases, a leather sock, even in the midst of summer. The second essential ingredient is a mimbar and a long staff. There is no nutritional value behind this, it just makes things look so much juicier.

The third important ingredient in South Africa is the token black guy, preferrably named Bilaal. The job of the token black guy is manifold. Firstly he has the prestigous task of calling people to salaah - but hardly ever leading it, this is because Allah gave black people the harmonious voice to mallodiously call people to prayer but they just cannot lead it (maybe because they can't grow untidy beards in a short period of time), and as we all know, thats all that Hadrat Bilaal (RA) did during the time of the Prophet (SAW), he ran around giving azhaan! Another task "Bilaal" has is to run around fetching water for the great imaams, dusting and straightening their prestigous musallahs before every salaah, ensuring all the logistics are always taken care of for the congrgation and standing with the lillah tins after salaah (black people just look so much better doing that). The last important task "Bilaal" has is to be this wonderfull man who greets everybody and is always smilling and very warm toward everybody, the reason he has to do this is so that all the Indian people can feel that they met and greeted a black person for the day (makes them feel they arent as racist as they really are) and this also assures them that Islam is spreading to the Black people (even though the ratio of indian-to-black people has been the same since they got shipped to South Africa many many years ago).

The final ingredient we need is a gold-fish audience (gold fish have the memory span of three seconds). The reason we need such an audience is that we need to keep them stimulated on the same rhetorics we repeat every three-to-four weeks for roughly about two-three hundred years maybe a bit more.

Now comes the method of mixing it all together to get a well-done South African Jummah. Firstly, after "Bilaal" gives the azhaan, we all stand up to pray (or rather parrot-fassion-rush-mumble) our compulsorry Sunnah salaah of four rakaats. It has to be four, anything less and you are changing the religion, anything more and you are shi'a. After we have rushed through our mumblings, the great imaam with his completed imaan will walk between the people with such grace as has never been seen before (like i said, gold-fish audience, they could have seen it like a day ago). He will then ascend to the mimbar and hold the staff (alot like harry potter before he casts a spell with his wand), block his nose slightly and beautifully sing some Arabic sentences and maybe even verses from Quraan, not that it makes any difference as majority of people have no idea what he is saying (he could be saying how bad his armpits are itching at the moment or how he loves to eat burfee).

This great man has somehow cast a spell on all who is listening, his spell and wand have yet to fail him. They attentively look at him and nod their heads, and play with their dry yellowish-black toes. What he is about to say is crucial to their very existence, as it was the last fifty times he said the same thing. Now, as i stated earlier in the ingredients, there are only a few set of abruptly-klumped-together-words he can speak. The basic content of these are simple and will be discussed later. When he delivers his words, he must always remember to place a few arabic words and phrases and also Urdu and Gujratti (the second and third languages of Islam) in which many of the audience will not understand but it somehow makes it more halaal (not that this great icon can ever say something wrong). It also makes it a better dumping of words if he includes a few hmm-rhetorics (those that say am i right or am i right!!!) alongside some dumb analogies about cars, doctors and plumbers. Also whenever he comes across any Arabic, he must sing it in a harmonous sparrow-like voice, even if it is a hadith where the Prophet (SAW) is scoulding someone.

Now as for the words he choses, the topics are simple. He could chose to "bash-the-youth" and anything youth related-this is by far the most common choice by icons as we all know that youth are an unnatural phenomena and should always be condemmed to hell. Alternatively he could chose to "women-bash" - this is sometimes a more opted for alternative as there are no women around to defend themselves. Salaah in congregation is haraam for women-the Prophet (SAW) and Sahabaa's wives are going to be in big trouble on the day of Qiyamat. Even if they are around they are so intellectually inferior its not as if they will understand that they being conndemmed to hell along with the youth. The third alternative, sometimes kept more for ramadaan, is the hadith where the Prophet (SAW) took three steps up the mimbar and Gibraeel said stuff to him at each step and he said ameen - this hadith is often accompanied by an explanation of how we need to make repentance, not put our parents in an old-age home and always, always, accompanied by "let us say aloud, SAW," - otherwise we all going to hell. The final, more unused klump of words, is when our icon says something to the effect of how qiyamat is around the corner, mainly because of our women and youth, and speaks about the signs of qiyamat (as far as im concerned i dont care about Qiyamat. I know im going to die at some point in time, whats the sign of that - birth).

There is one thing though that can make this horrific receipe flop, a non-goldfish-audience that has the faculty of thought and realises that something needs to be done to put a halt to this blatant insult to our intellect.


  • At 7:50 AM, Blogger saaleha said…

    just for that i'm linking you to my blog -

    But i warn you, my deficient intellect and the fact that i'm alot like a crooked rib, may reflect badly on you.

  • At 3:51 AM, Blogger Squashed Rolo said…

    That was hilarious. Unfortunately I can't agree/diasagree with your statements, being a woman and all, but I always appreciate a good, biting commentary.

  • At 4:56 AM, Anonymous samina said…


  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    dude, while everyone appreciates humour one would hope that due respect be afforded to the Prophet(saw)'s sunnah.Indeed have your views on their relevancy in terms of priorities but mate, there are sahih Hadith to back up what you are thrashing...suggestion: read up before you begin sunnah bashing..try to keep your views of certain cultural stereotypes apart from what is documented truth.

  • At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "...and realises that something needs to be done to put a halt to this blatant insult to our intellect."

    what intellect? try to check your spelling first before you lay a claim to being the next Great Intellectual.

  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    heres the deal...I did not set out to bash you or your intent brother,just wanted to point out that even in humour (which I think is a fantastic way to neutralise emotions) some things remain sacred.
    This especially pertains to the Sunnah of our Prophet(saw) and if you could not see that as being what it was then its apparent that you feel a sense of guilt.Just apologise for dragging the Sunnah into your "Azhar Uthman/Riad Moosa wannabe role" and lets move ob.Comedy is brilliant,but learn from them how to tackle sensitive issues.

  • At 3:04 AM, Blogger Squashed Rolo said…

    The above comments pretty much demonstrate what I had been trying to say in one of my blog posts: The bashing or thrashing is NOT upon the Prophet (S.A.W), his sunnah, hadith etc. This send-up is a mirror being held up to the society, and instead of seeing that, they see stones being thrown on Islam. Amazing how the idea of improving ourselves to become better Muslims - that is so apparent in the message, is lost upon these people. I don't understand it. And I've no doubt that I'm about to be labelled an ignorant blasphemist after this comment.

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Riyaad,
    I understnd ur humour behind it however i didnt really agree with the way in which u voiced ur opinions in some regards....for eg the hadith abt the 3 aameens.
    it is said when something is mentioned few times, it penetrates the heart so these 'iconz/imaams' are tryin their best to get thru to every1.
    but ur opinions are good to read thru...a learnin experience for us 2.

  • At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    u talk shit

  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    no comment on the rest of it - but the topics part; i know what u mean - and trust me, there are places, masjids, where the speakers talk about different things - and in a way which is not 'insulting' just need to find a place where they have those kinda speakers n topics...or maybe this all depends on where in the country you are?

  • At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    May Allah forgive us all for the misguided mindset you live in. To insult the way of the Prophet SAW and his companions is totally wrong. I think you need to see more of the world and understand the khutba and the whole ethos and importance of Friday prayer before you begin to denegrate the sacredness of it wit your so called humour. Hadhrat Bilal was not the 'token' black guy. Learn abot the history of Islam and the life of the Prophet SAW before you air your views.

  • At 5:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    with regard to the last comment:
    My frustrations that i aired are BECAUSE i feel i understand the khutbah, its importance and its ABUSE in our current society. You think the Khutbah served the same purpose of hell condemnation 1427 years ago as it does today-maybe you should go learn more. I did not denegrade the "sacredness" of anything, i am indicating abuse and perversion of ISLAM. Also i did not say BILAAL was the token black guy, i say that 90% of the current people given the task of giving azaan are "token" people just coz bilaal was black. DONT YOU FUCKIN KNOW HOW TO READ YOU STUPID IDIOT-HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU PERVERT EVERYTHING I SAID IN SUCH A MANNER-DAMMIT-HAVE YOU NEVER LEARNT TO READ AND INTERPERATE PROPERLY??? -riyaadh (sorry, i cant post it as myself, in my current fit of anger at typical muslim fuckin stupidity i forgot my password)

  • At 4:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey theys nothing wrong with joking but ur an ass to say such things.....if you dont accept your religion then thats your loss but dont make a mock of islam. your damn ignorant.....get your facts straight. and if u don like goin to the masjid then don go but trust me others benefit.


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